Releasing My Emotions Before B-Day

In less than 4 hours I will be turning 15. I’m very excited for my birthday tomorrow, since I decided to stay home to spend the day with my family. I know it is a hard decision not to go to school tomorrow since our sophomore batch will be holding its English Festival for English Week. We all have to wear Afro-Asian costumes and I’ll get to see my classmates wearing saris. I’ve been rambling on that decision since last week. But I guess it will be better to enjoy my birthday with my mom.

However, I have a confession to make. It’s been affecting me since the last months of 2008. I will be going to junior year this June, very excited to meet my soon-to-be classmates. Imagine walking down the corridors while passing by a familiar face. Then 6 months later, she is seated next to you as she is your classmate for the last two years of high school. I’m relating this because I have to admit that I am having problems in school like I mentioned in my previous blog post “2008 Was Disappointing”. Academically I’m fine, but inside the classroom I was feeling something that I have to show only to my peers.

In reality, I feel invisible once again in school. It was like a relapse of the horrible memory that happened 3 years ago. I’m trying to forget it but the presence was coming back to me. I was invisible in the way only a few notice. It hurts me so much. In school I am like one of the happiest people on Earth by being the subject of jokes but deep inside, my feelings were cracked like shattered glass hoping to be put back together again ala Humpty Dumpty. I was secretly getting mad every time it happens. Just like what happened this morning, during our dry run for the English Festival.

I was sitting there in the HS Covered Court with some of my classmates. Then this group needed some dancers for the practice of their presentation. Everybody was asked to go up the stage except me. I was expecting for them to call me, but no one did. While they were dancing, thoughts began to flood all over my mind. I was thinking, How could they do this to me once again? I watched the whole practice with anger in my burden. It wasn’t the first time, I think it began during the fun/horrible Christmas Party.

Only my closest friends and some others gave gifts to me. I value these gifts until now. However, I was sad at the sight of lots of presents on all of my classmates’ desks while I was outside the room, wondering. I know it’s stupid to complain having only a few gifts that Christmas but at least my closest friends who gave me their treasure mattered a lot to me already. I want to pour out my pain in this blog, so I will spill something: not all people in my class have been very good to me over the past two years. I won’t mention names, but there are the people who are nice to me when I’m around but say the nastiest things about me behind my back. There are those who are very nice to their friends but outside their clique they’re not treating some girls as nice as they treat their friends. I have seen those who are like that. I’m getting pissed off every minute. I’m getting sick of all the stress in school. I’m tired of being treated differently. There are times when I even want to LEAVE THE SCHOOL.

Then something lit me up tonight. During our Group Guidance session, I and two of my closest friends were sitting in a circle like we usually do during lunch. One of my friends said that she wants the three of us to be classmates this coming junior year, which made me delighted. Then here’s what I will always remember: she said to me, “Candice, huwag kang lumipat ng school.”

I may not be in the class’ most popular clique but I am satisfied to be in a group of friends who value you for who they are. If they are your friends, they will ask you to stay if you plan to leave the school after encountering all of the pain you’re experiencing. People may come and go out of your lives but true friends will always remain at your side.

My friends keep me happy when I’m blue. I hope they’ll be my classmates as I spend my last two years in STC. Enough with the sad post: I just submitted my essay for the Manila Times Writing Competition to my English teacher. I’m happy to say that I got additional points for this quarter’s English subject for participating in the said competition. The winners will be announced this February 10; I need your support and prayers. :))